Life without Death
by Peaceouttalove
Summary: Sequel to Deja Vu and Guinea Pirate's Revenge. The gang must risk everything to retrieve and destroy the Power Orb in order to save the world. Final book! Creek, Bunny, Kyman, Stendy.
1. Chapter 1

**This is the last book I am going to write about this. Please read Guinea Pirate's Revenge and Deja Vu first. **

Chapter 1

_Kenny's POV_

What the hell just happened? Did I die? No, if I did, I'd be waking up in my bed, not on the street. "Hamburgers!" Butters cried. "What?" "Your eyes, Ken. The orb must have your immortality." "Wait! You mean...I can die?" "I'm afraid so." "It's gone guys. Completely vanished." Craig said as he and Tweek came from up the street. "Fuck the orb I can die!" I shouted. "And whoever has it can't. That's not good!" Tweek said. "I can die." I repeated. "If a car hits me right now, I'll go to hell and never come back." "Don't say that." Butters cried. "It's true."

All our phones beeped at the same time. A video of Crab Leader appeared on it. "Attention humanity, this video is being broadcasted on every device around the world. We are the the Crab People and we have stolen your precious Power Orb and now we shall take over the world. You may now run and scream as we set ourselves lose, eating everyone in sight and our national anthem plays."

_'Crab People, crab people, look like crabs, talk like people, Crab People...'_ "Hamburgers!" Butters shouted as the Crab People approached. _'If they kill me, I'll never come back.'_ "Run or die!" I shouted, grabbing Butters's hand. Craig and Tweek followed.

_Stan's POV_

"Dad, let me explain this situation to you one more time!" I shouted. "The Crab People are going to destroy humanity, and the only thing that can stop them is your camera!" "Stanley, remember our new rule on the camera. It's only for special occasions." "Randy, for God's sake, tell us where your camera is before we all die!" Mom shouted. "Oh, so now you like my camera, Sharon. Last time I checked you said you only wanted it out for special occasions because having it out 24/7 was annoying embarrassing and weird just like me!" "Guys, not now." I said as I pinched the bridge of my nose.

There was a sudden scream from the other room. "Oh shit! SHELLY!" We were too late, the Crab Person ate her in one bite. On the bright side, she couldn't pick on me anymore. "The camera, Randy, NOW!" "Oh, so her getting her period _isn't_ a special occasion, but her getting eaten by a Crab Person _is_!" "Mom, he's not gonna get the camera, we have to run."

My mom completely ignored me and continued to argue with my dad. It looked like I had to take this into my own hands...I started running and screaming. That's when it all hit me. "Oh my God, they killed Shelly! You bastards!" A group of crab people turned to me. "Did I say bastards? I meant...wonderful creatures!" They still looked hungry,so I continued running.

"Dude!" "AAAAA!" "Relax it's just me. Come on, it's safe in here." Kyle led me to a shack surrounded by video cameras. I pinched my nose again, "You mean they're scared of all video cameras, not just my dad's?" "I don't know, but it's worked so far. Come on."

"Stan!" Wendy embraced me the moment I stepped inside. "I thought they got you." "No, I wouldn't leave you." I said as I kissed her. Kyle cleared his throat. I rolled my eyes. "Oh come on. The end of the world is a perfect excuse to make out!" "Not until Eric gets here it isn't."

"Not until Eric gets here it isn't." Cartman mimicked as he came in. "Eric!" Kyle cried as he ran to his boyfriend. "Hypocrite." I mumbled.

In a couple minutes, Kenny, Butters, Tweek, and Craig arrived and explained to us what was going on with the orb thing and Kenny's immortality.

"So what are we going to do?" Wendy asked. "Well, the Crab People's lair is in Peru. I'm sure that's where they're keeping the orb. Maybe we should head there." Butters suggested. "Great idea." Kenny said, "I say we sneak out in the night and hijack a plane. We can't get caught because everybody's too busy running for their lives."

"That's great except none of us know how to fly a plane." Kyle pointed out. "We could set it on auto pilot." I suggested. "Great, it's settled then." Craig said.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_Tweek's POV_

Kenny was right. Nobody was guarding the plane, and with a little help from _Wikipedia _we were up and ready on auto pilot in no time. "This is awesome!" Stan said. "What's awesomeThat's fact that if this thing crashes, then we'll all die and never come back?" Kenny asked. "WHAT? We're not gonna crash, right? Right?" Craig put his arms around me. "Relax, we're fine." I nodded. "I was actually talking about having a plane all to ourselves." Stan said.

"Hey guys, you wanna know what the best part about having a plane to ourselves is?" Cartman asked. "Let me guess, you can eat all the extra snacks without paying?" Kyle said sarcastically. "Nah, that's probably what you want, Jew,considerinyou're cheap you are." "Hey! I am not cheap, fat ass!" "Don't call me fat ass, Jew!" "Then stop critizing Jews!" "Then let mefinish my god damn sentence!" "What's stopping you?"

"Anyway, the best part is that I don't have to listen to the stupid flightattendant start bitching about not using electronics." He pulled out his phone. "Dude you're gonna mess the system, and make us crash!" I shouted. "That's just a myth, and you know it!"

There was an odd humming noise and the lights suddenly flickered. "Shit! it's happening! I'm gonna die for real!" Kenny cried. The plan tilted downward and suddenly we were falling faster than my beating heart. "Craig!" I called. His lips were immediately on mine. Oh God, a last kiss was a lot of pressure. "Goodbye. I love you so much." I said. Then we impacted with the Earth and everything went dark.

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** Looks like Cartman messed it up for all of them LOL. Will Kyle stay mad at him? Will they live (Kennyspecifically)? Find out next time. Until then...REVIEW**


	3. Chapter 3

**OK, everyone, you have every right to be pissed at me for not updating in like forever (and not to mention all the grammar errors in the last chapter). Well, I'm sorry. I've been working on other projects and dealing with family issues. I promise I'll try to update sooner from now on. Thanks for everything! **

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Chapter 3

I woke up screamimg in Craig's arms. "Is everything OK, Tweekie?" I took a deep breath and looked around. We were still on the plane...alive. "Yeah, everything's great, just a bad dream." He nodded and kissed my cheek.

"Hey everyone, according to the auto pilot, we'll be landing in Peru about now!" Butters announced. "So did anyone come up with a plan for what we actually do when we're in Peru?" Kyle asked. Craig shrugged, "We'll just break intotheir lair and find the Power Orb and trynot to die." "Easier saidthan done." Kenny said. "Oh God, this sounds like a lotta of pressure!" I said nervously. "And we'll get through it, I promise." Craig said. "If you say so, honey."

"I think the plan's great except for the most important thing." Wendy said. "And what's that? Using that Power Orb to get any guy you want without them knowing that your cheating on them?" Cartman asked. "Cartman, stop implying that Wendy's a slut! I'm the only guy she's with...right, Wends?" "Oh yeah, of course, Stan. And like I was saying before the fat ass rudely interrupted me the most important thing is how we're going to keep the Power Orb safe so this won't happen again." "Well one of us should wear it 24/7 like the masked dude did." Craig suggested. I nodded.

"No, we shoulddestroy it." Kyle said. "WHAT?" Kenny and I shouted. "Well, that' what they did with the ring in the Lord of the Rings so it's power wouldn't get abused." "That makes sense." Stan said. "But what if we can't destroy it?" I asked. "And what if it gets rid of immortality forever?" Kenny asked. "Well we don't know until we try, and Kenny, would it really be so bad to live like the rest of us."

"Guys, we're in Peru!" Butters called. "All right, lett's go teach some crab people to respect my authoritah!" Cartman shouted.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_Craig's POV_

"Stay close, Tweek." I whispered as we entered the cave. "Wasn't this the guineas'headquarters?" Butters asked. "Yeah, but when they died out the crab people took it over." Kyle explained. "But that doesn't matter, what matters is that we get the Power Orb." Wendy said. "And not die while we're at it." Kenny added.

"Oh God what if we get caught by crab people?" Tweek hissed. "Then I use my lasers against them and save us all." I said. "But what if they use the Power Orb on you again?" "Then we're screwed and should start running, butrelax, we'll be fine."

Before Tweek could respond, we reached an area of the cave in which the paths split into four different directions. "We split up by couples and meet back here in half an hour hopefully with the Power Orb. If we get in trouble we whistle Rue's song in the Hunger Games." I said. The others nodded. "Tweekie." I took his hand and dragged him down one of the paths.

"Great plan. That's what I love best 'bout you, you know exactly what to do in almost any situation, but there's just one problem...I can't whistle." "It's fine. I'll do the whistling, but I don't think we'll need to." "I don't know Craig, what if something-" "Nothing is going to happen." I stated. "Do you understand?" Tweek opened his mouth to respond only to have it shut again by my mouth.

He quickly pulled away and screamed pointing to something behind me. I spun around and jumped. A hungry looking crab person was staring at us. Without hesitation I shot him with the bright blue light. It wasn't until I rendered him dead that I realized he was Crab Leader.

The othersquickly came running. "We saw the light, is everything OK?" Butters said. "I-I think I killed Crab Leader." They all looked down at the Crab person on the floor. "He's dead alright." Cartman said. "Good job,Craig!" Tweek gave me a big bear hug.

"Check his neck for the power Orb." I said. Kenny nodded and did so, "Nope, so much for my immortality." "It'll be OK, Ken, I'm sure the orb is around here somewhere." Butters assured him. "He's right, let's go back to Craig's plan." Kyle said.

_'Crab people, crab people, look like crabs, talk like people. Crab people, crab people...' _"Does anyone else hear that?" Stan asked. Suddenly a group of angry crab people arrived to their dead leaders side, singing their national anthem. One of them stepped forward, "Who is responsible for this?" They all looked at me, and I nodded. Then we all ran for it.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_Tweek's POV_

I didn't dare look back as I screamed and ran. When my voice grew hoarse I continued to run, but not scream. Suddenly I got caught in something sticky. A giant spider web? I struggled to untangle myself, but that just made things worse. The crab pelope were getting closer. If only my voice wasn't hoarse.

Wait a minute, didn't Craig say we could whistle if we got in trouble? I'd seen people whistle a thousand times, how hard could it be? Taking Flo Rida's advice, I just put my lips together and started real slow. Nothing came out. Damn it! I tried again, still nothing. After about ten more tries I finally got a sound, but it wasn't audible over the crab people singing their national anthem. I was so screwed. Right when I thought it was the end, however, the cran people got tangled up in the web too and couldn't reach me! I breathed a sigh of relief. I was safe...for now.

_Craig's POV_

We had lost the crab people, but my Tweekie, too. I was crying and praying that they didn't get him. "Guys, I'm gonna search the cave for Tweek if I'm not back in an hour, it means I'm dead." "Should we try going after you?" Kyle asked. "Nah." "OK, have fun." Butters said. "And don't die!" Cartman called after me. "Belive me, it hurts!" Kenny added.

"Tweek?" I called over and over. I didn't have to travel far before getting a response. His voice was hoarse but it was still the adorable Tweekie that I loved so much. He was caught in a spider web with about three crab people. "Oh thank God!" I cried. "Don't worry, I'll get you down."

I focused my lasers on the section of web that washolding the crab people, destroying it and them. Tweek's section was still stuck and I didn't want to touch it with my lasers, in case I hurt him.

"This spider must've been huge to make a web this big." I mumbled as I tried to break the web with my hands. That's when I noticed the path just beyound the web that we had completely missed. Maybe the orb was done that way. There was only one way to find outs but first I had to get rid of this web and free Tweek which was harder than it looked. I had never seen a web so strong and thick. It really did make me wonder about the spider...

"Oh please, stop shaking, Tweek, you're only making things worse." I said. "I can't help it! I'm just so nervous! That more crab people'll come, or-or that you might not ever get me done from here!" "Shhh! I'll get you done, I promise."

"Craig!" Kenny called. I turned, "What's up?" "I was scared that something happene to you. I know you were kinda joking when you said that you'd be dead in an hour, but-" "WHAT?" Tweek cried."It's OK, I was only joking." I assured him. "Dafaq?" Kenny said as he looked up at Tweek in the web. "It's a long story." Tweek sighed, "and my voice is hoarse, so it'll be too much pressure to tell it." "Are you gonna just stand there, Ken, or are you gonna help me untangle him?"

_Butters's POV_

I knew Kenny had said something about going after Craig, but I didn't like him wandering off in this cave alone. Especially without his immortality. As I told this to Eric he told me to quote, 'shut the fuck up'.

"And what if it was Kyle?" He turned, "What do you mean?" "What if Kyle was wandering 'round alone without Stan and Wendy like he is now." Kyle Stan and Wendy had gone out to look for a way to start a fire while we were on patrol for crab people and Craig and Tweek to inform them what happened."What are you getting at?" Eric asked. "I dunno. Wouldn't you feel the need to protect him."

"Yeah, but that's because it's my buisness. _I'm _on top in my relationship _you're _not." "This has nothing to do with who's on top, it has to do with the urge to protect your partner regardless of what position you're in when you...well you know." My cheeks got red.

"Butters, I'm seriously when I say shut the fuck up." So from there we sat in awkward silence. That was until we heard a noise that sounded like some sort of creature crawling towards us. "Kenny?" I called lamely. No answer. "Craig?" Nothing. "Kahl?" Eric tried and failed.

Suddenly we saw who it was or should I say _what _it was-A hideous and rather large and hairy Guinea Spider.


	6. Chapter 6

Chpater 6

_Kenny's POV_

It took forever, but we finally managed to untangle Tweek. "You wanna go down the path that the web was blocking?" Craig asked. "And face death, no thank you. I'm going back to my Buttercup." "Suit yourself."

"Craig, wait!" Tweek called, "There's another web right in front of you!" I had to blink several times before seeing it. That's what I hate about spider webs, they're practically invisible. "You're right, in fact, they're all over this path!" Again I had to look and look away to notice them. With my luck, I'd probably somehow manage to get a web caught around my neck and suffocate myself. I shuddered.

Butters and Cartman suddenly came running and screaming. "What the hell's going on?" Tweek asked. They were too frantic to answer and ended up pushing us into the webs with them while trying to shove us out of the way.

"Kenny, you're alive!" Butters said. "Not for long." I said when I saw that what they were running from was heading right for us: a guinea spider. "I thought I killed them all." Craig said.

"Don't worry guys, I have a plan." Cartman said as he squirmed to take out his phone. "How the hell is playing Angry Birds gonna help us, fat ass?" I shouted. "Shut up, poor boy, I'm not playing Angry Birds, I'm getting advice! Siri, are we gonna die?" I rolled my eyes as the robotic voice answered, '_Yes unless you introduce me to your sexy robot friend over there.' _"All right, which one of you assholes is a robot?"

"I am!" the guinea spider said. "No, you're a guinea spider." Butters said. "No, no, no, Craig, here, destroyed all of them last year. However the crab people created a robot to look like one of the most feared guineas behind Guinea Pirate, Guinea Spider to guard the Power Orb with his webs, but I'll let you have the orb and let you down from my webs if you let me have your beautiful, I'm sorry what was your name again?" '_Siri' _"Fine,take it," Cartman passed him the phone, "my mom's gonna get me the new iPhone for my birthday anyway." "Thank you, fat boy." "Hey, don't call me fat you fucking robot guinea spider piece of shit thing!"

Guinea Spider ignored the insult and looked at Siri. "Aw, my love, I will do anything for you. We shall be wed ASAP." _'On one condition.' _"And what's that?" "We make it a Jewish weddingsue to Eric's friend Kyle switching my religious settings from Christian to Jewish in order to piss him off." "WHAT?...And Kahl, is not my friend by the way!" _'I'm sorry, boyfriend, anyway, what do you say, Guinea Spider?' _"Sure why not, let's go get me a yamicka!"

"Awwwe." Butters cooed as they happily walked away. "No, not _'Awwwe_' he didn't get us the Power Orb or get us dtwin from here!" Craig pointed out. "That son of a bitch!" Cartman said. "Hey, at least he didn't kill us and your mom'll get you a new phonel" I said. "No, not the Guinea Spider, Kahl, I told him not to mess with my phone!"

_Kyle's POV_

I was beginning to worry when we returned with two rocks (which we planned to rub together to make a fire) only to find that Eric and Butters were gone. "The crab people must've gotten them!" Wendy cried. "Hey, dude, check it out, this pretty fucked up right here." Stan pointed to a guinea spider and Eric's Siri singing the love song I Swear to each other. That was _our _song. I wiped away some tears with the sleeve of my jacket.

"You OK?" Stan asked. "Yeah, I'm fine." "Well, then, come on, we should probably go find them." I nodded and followed Stan and Wendy deeper into the cave, hoping to find my friends and boyfriend.


	7. Epilgoue

**Last chapter!**

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Epilogue

Eric, Craig, Tweek, Kenny, and Butters were all caught in a giant spider web (which I assumed belonged to the Guinea Spider). "Dafaq is wrong with you Kahl! How could you mess with Siri's religious settings?" I smiled at the memory, "Took you this long to realize that? I did it months ago!" "WHAT? Anything else you've been hiding?" "Well that time when you fell asleep on my chest, I put the picture of us on Facebook. It got a lot of likes." "Seriously? You know you're not allowed to mess with my phone!" I rolled my eyes, "And the Guinea Spider is?"

"Hey, guys, we can do this later, just get us done from here!" Kenny shouted. Before we could move, the guinea spider and Siri returned (still singing I Swear which made me a little sad but not as much as before).

"Sorry about forgetting our deal." With a snap of his claws, the guinea spider let my friends and boyfriend down. "Now let's get that Power Orb and then we can all go to our wedding!" He then went down the path to retrieve the orb. He tapped it gently and a Bebe light came flying out towards Kenny.

Breathing heavily, Kenny opened his eyes-back to normal. "I-I'm whole again!" Butters hugged him. "Oh Kenny, I love you so much!" "Love you, too Buttercup." "Awwe."

"Now come on guys, its wedding time!" Siri said. Believe it or not, the wedding was a lot like Eric's oral report on Animal Farm (we all got food poisoned from latkaes) only with a Gangnam Style flash mob. Eric forgave me shortly after and we went in the back to have sex.

Craig's POV

As corny as it sounds Tweek and I gota married and lived happily ever after.

**The End!**

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**That's all folks! Happy Thanksgiving. See you next time!**


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